I've been having small anxiety attacks in the days leading up to today because I just want it to be over. I haven't been able to sleep well either because I'm curious about you're going to look like, what I'm going to say, who I'm going to run into, etc. What did we call them? Mental breakdowns? Yeah, that's what's been happening to me lately. I've been heavily relying on Nestor and Cj because they're the only two guys I can truly depend on with my feelings right now, and they've been doing a great job keeping me sane which you and I both know is very hard to do! Before I left the house, I wrote a little note to sneak into your coffin since today was the only day I was going to see before you get buried. I even sprayed it with the Victoria Secret vanilla perfume that you said smells like "death" because it was the only thing that reminded me of you.
When the service finally ended, there was a very long line to see your body and my mom wanted to wait in that very long line instead of waiting for it to go down. Nestor, Jomarie, and Cj sat in the very back of the chapel while I stood in line. Today was the very first time Nestor met Cj, and I was really happy to see those two connect mainly because aside from JRS, Cj is the only friend I have now. The whole time in line, Nika kept asking me if I was gonna cry, and I kept repeating "No, because I don't show weakness in front of my enemies." I grew more and more nervous the closer I got until I was actually next to you. Everything was white; your casket, your clothes, even the veil. I was doing so good holding in my tears until it was time to walk away and I said "I love you Tiff," where I felt a tear come out of my eyes.
The first person standing nearest to your coffin was your mom, and even though she may not have remembered me (since I haven't been around since senior year), she gave me the longest and tightest hug. It was then when more tears ran down my face. Next was your sister, and for someone who's been holding it all together, she was doing a great job at doing just that. There were no tears left for her. Last was your dad. He hugged me the tightest, and greeted me with a "Hello Rianna." Though he was trying to hold in his emotions, I could tell how hurt he felt to have bury his daughter. I cried even harder because I could relate. What if my dad had to bury me one day instead of it being the other way around? Tiff, you were really loved especially by your dad. He'd want you to know that.
I hugged your uncles and walked away to meet Nestor in the back while my family headed straight for the food. My mom, being the supernatural one said you weren't there that night, but I'm sure you were going to show up the next day. Shantelle hugged me when she saw me crying and was the only person to reassure me until I threw myself back together three seconds later. Then we all headed on the opposite side to talk story outside of the chapel. Many old friends ignored me which I kind of expected and Nestor even said my ex was sitting on the opposite side of the room trying not to look at me. I didn't really care though because I was there for you and only you. This was my last goodbye. I love you so much Tiffany. I wish I could see you tomorrow.
