Dear Tiffany,
At 12pm, Rayden called me during his lunch break to say Chrystanna called him and said you were on life support and have been for a few days now. My brother said "Chrystanna didn't know whether or not to tell you because she didn't know if you were close, but I told her that you guys were talking again. They said it looks like Tiff doesn't have much time, so I really thought you should know. You should go visit her now." I agreed to do just that and hung up the call. I immediately called Nestor crying. He was just waking up (who wakes up that late right?) so he was still out of it. I was crying so hard and had a hard time catching my breath that I kept repeating "Oh my God. I can't breathe."
When I finally calmed down enough, I told Nestor what Rayden told me. He said he was going to catch a ride to my house so he could comfort me. Less than thirty minutes later, he was at my place while we sat in my car in the garage trying to figure out what to do. I was so desperate to see you, but I had no idea how to get to Queen's. We called multiple people to see if they could bring us, but when they were all busy, I decided to just suck it up and drive there. If today was going to be your last day, I just had to see you.
At around 1:30pm, I had texted our best friend, Kaimi and told him the situation. As I expected, he was willing to drop everything just to comfort me and to see you. He was the one who got the hospital wing, floor, and room number for me too. Something I could have done this whole time if I wasn't such a wuss to see you before. I spent nearly another hour and a half getting ready and mentally preparing myself. I didn't know who was going to be at the hospital, and I really hated knowing I already had a few people in mind. Still, I wasn't going for them, I was going specifically for you.
Thank God Nestor's neighbor was willing to drive us all the way over there. I didn't get to the hospital until almost 3pm, and I made the boys walk me to your floor because I knew I was going to get lost. Because I didn't know exactly who was in the waiting room, I told Nestor it was okay to roam the hospital. The first person I saw was Isagani who let me know aside from your aunties, your room was pretty much empty. I also saw your dad and waved hi before best friend came up behind me, and we followed your cousin Michael into your room.
Kaimi and I stood outside for a few minutes trying to collect ourselves because we didn't know what to expect. Your nurse said we could either come in or go back out, we just couldn't stand by the door. Of course that process to come in was long enough, so we stepped into your room where we stood by the bathroom door. Janiene was standing next to your bed, your relatives were sitting by the window, and Michael had just finished talking to you. They signaled us to go up next, and I didn't hesitate one bit.
When I saw you, your eyes were half open, yellow, and a bit puffed out. With a very festive Christmas beanie over your head and a tube coming out of your mouth, I was instantly taken back to seeing my grandpa (dad's dad) in the same position as you. You remember the stories I've told you, right? My grandpa was on life support too, and I remember the nurses telling my siblings and I that my grandpa was awake and he could hear us, but he just wouldn't be able to respond. So we were free to say what ever we needed to. That's the first thing that came in my head once I looked at you Tiff.
I once again felt my heart drop to my stomach knowing this might be the very last time I see you. Still, I had hope you'd pull through like you always do and wanted to save my important words until you were up and running again. I rubbed the top of your head and told you "Hey Tiff, it's Ri. I brought Nestor and Kaimi with me, but it's just Kaimi in the room. I told Nestor to wait for me downstairs. I know I said I was going to visit you all these years, and I didn't do it until now. I'm so sorry it took me this long, but you have to fight okay?" I could feel tears rolling down my face, and I tried to wipe it before it got caught in the mask. Then I laughed saying "You know I hate showing my emotions, and here you are making me cry." Once I was as recovered as anyone could be in that moment, I continued with "You have to keep fighting Tiff, but I understand if you want to give up. You're in pain, and I understand if you want it to stop. So when you're ready to go home, come stop by my house first. My mom and I will be waiting for you. Take care of yourself okay. I love you."
I stepped back near Kaimi and waited until he said what he needed to you. Your dad and sister came in shortly after, and I was surprised your dad remembered my name. I hugged him and apologized for not coming by the house in a while, then best friend and I left. When we walked back to the waiting room, aside from a few enemies (you already know who lol), I also saw Jordan, Chrystanna, and Malia and stopped to talk to them for a while before heading downstairs to the lobby with Kaimi to meet up with Nestor.
Before I left the hospital, I felt at ease knowing I said as much as I could to you. Now all we could do was wait for you to either wake up or...you know. I accepted what ever decision YOU wanted to make, and was going to support you no matter what. During the car ride home, I called Cj and even Damian to let them know your position and then Rayden told me he was going to visit you after work. Nestor and I hoped for some kind of miracle to happen because I really wanted you to get better, though like I told you back in the hospital, I understood if you wanted to give up.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
12/25/2018
Dear Tiffany,
A few days has passed since you last posted anything on your social media accounts and now I'm starting to worry. I made a vow to myself to visit you at least once during winter break, and I'm sorry I haven't done it yet. I actually didn't expect to see you until after the holidays because my dumb butt has anxiety to drive all the way to Queen's Medical Center. I'll do it soon though, just to see you. I promise! I really do hope you're resting enough to be able to go home soon. I know how badly you wanted to go home before Christmas, and today's that day, but I'm pretty sure you're still in the hospital. It's okay, you'll get better, and then I'll be able to talk to you. I'm ready to tell you what I've been holding in for a while now. I'll see you soon, okay? I love you.
A few days has passed since you last posted anything on your social media accounts and now I'm starting to worry. I made a vow to myself to visit you at least once during winter break, and I'm sorry I haven't done it yet. I actually didn't expect to see you until after the holidays because my dumb butt has anxiety to drive all the way to Queen's Medical Center. I'll do it soon though, just to see you. I promise! I really do hope you're resting enough to be able to go home soon. I know how badly you wanted to go home before Christmas, and today's that day, but I'm pretty sure you're still in the hospital. It's okay, you'll get better, and then I'll be able to talk to you. I'm ready to tell you what I've been holding in for a while now. I'll see you soon, okay? I love you.
12/20/2018
Dear Tiffany,
With two more days left until winter break, I decided to just take the rest of the week off because my mind is already on vacation mode. Yesterday, I read one of your tweets that said "I am literally tearing up because I feel so damn weak .. my fatigue level is so high I refused OT and will refuse PT..." and I couldn't help but feel for you. Then today you tweeted saying you were shaking super bad, felt faint, and were scared you were getting really sick. The last thing you ever tweeted was today at 10:35am saying you were about to eat Burger King to raise your blood sugar. I was happy you were able to still see the bright side of things, and expected another update tweet to come soon.
I waited days once again, and then felt like something was wrong, but I didn't pursue it. I wanted to message you once more, but I knew you weren't going to reply anytime soon. I again wanted to wait until you posted, so I can reach out to you about how you were. My pessimism and gut gave me a bad feeling about you, but I still remained hopeful. I really wanted you talk to you. I couldn't wait any longer, but I still didn't know if you wanted to see me or not. So I waited.
With two more days left until winter break, I decided to just take the rest of the week off because my mind is already on vacation mode. Yesterday, I read one of your tweets that said "I am literally tearing up because I feel so damn weak .. my fatigue level is so high I refused OT and will refuse PT..." and I couldn't help but feel for you. Then today you tweeted saying you were shaking super bad, felt faint, and were scared you were getting really sick. The last thing you ever tweeted was today at 10:35am saying you were about to eat Burger King to raise your blood sugar. I was happy you were able to still see the bright side of things, and expected another update tweet to come soon.
I waited days once again, and then felt like something was wrong, but I didn't pursue it. I wanted to message you once more, but I knew you weren't going to reply anytime soon. I again wanted to wait until you posted, so I can reach out to you about how you were. My pessimism and gut gave me a bad feeling about you, but I still remained hopeful. I really wanted you talk to you. I couldn't wait any longer, but I still didn't know if you wanted to see me or not. So I waited.
12/17/2018
Dear Tiffany,
Once again, I checked your Twitter yesterday as well as today just to make sure you were still alive and fighting, which you are, and I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work, okay? I noticed you retweeted a lot about Philippines winning Miss Universe, and especially about Jonghyun's one-year death anniversary. I remember reading about his death last year and I automatically thought of you because he was your favorite member from Shinee.
Do you remember how much I absolutely hated your love for kpop? You would talk about your boy groups all the time, and I just couldn't stand it! I even remember that one day you made me say all the Shinee members' names just for your own amusement. You complimented how well I was able to pronounce their names too, and I rolled my eyes while laughed. It wasn't until a few weeks before our falling out where I started getting into kpop, and I was scared to tell you because I knew you'd tease me about it. After all those years of me hating on you for liking them, here I was going against everything I stood for.
On the day the world found out about Jonghyun's passing, the first thing I did was look at your Twitter where you were just as heartbroken like I expected. You loved him so much, it was like losing your family member, huh? I should have asked how you were coping with it. I saw all your posts and felt your pain, and I still did nothing to be there for you.
Once again, I checked your Twitter yesterday as well as today just to make sure you were still alive and fighting, which you are, and I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work, okay? I noticed you retweeted a lot about Philippines winning Miss Universe, and especially about Jonghyun's one-year death anniversary. I remember reading about his death last year and I automatically thought of you because he was your favorite member from Shinee.
Do you remember how much I absolutely hated your love for kpop? You would talk about your boy groups all the time, and I just couldn't stand it! I even remember that one day you made me say all the Shinee members' names just for your own amusement. You complimented how well I was able to pronounce their names too, and I rolled my eyes while laughed. It wasn't until a few weeks before our falling out where I started getting into kpop, and I was scared to tell you because I knew you'd tease me about it. After all those years of me hating on you for liking them, here I was going against everything I stood for.
On the day the world found out about Jonghyun's passing, the first thing I did was look at your Twitter where you were just as heartbroken like I expected. You loved him so much, it was like losing your family member, huh? I should have asked how you were coping with it. I saw all your posts and felt your pain, and I still did nothing to be there for you.
12/15/2018
Dear Tiffany,
Today I checked your Twitter, like I usually do, and I saw you posted a YouTube video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_l2hZ70Dp4&feature=youtu.be) about your walking progress. I'm not going to lie, I felt my heart drop down to my stomach. You looked so different from what I've seen in Instagram posts. You looked so very sick. You of all people know I lost a loved one to cancer because you were there for me on that day. I can still remember how he looked days prior to his passing, and I'm going to be honest with you-- you look like it's almost your time. I would never never tell you that to your face because for once in my life, I want to expect the best for you. I want you to LIVE.
I have this strange feeling like it's almost your time. This might sound selfish, but I need you to fight, so I can see you one more time. I want to be there for you, and I want to make the time to see you, but I just can't call off work. I just started and it won't be a good look if I skipped a day. I promise to visit you once the kids go on winter break next week, or even better, I'll keep my vow of seeing you at your house like I said I'd do! You just have to get better, okay? I have some things to tell you, and it needs to be in person. Please Tiff...please fight a little longer.
Today I checked your Twitter, like I usually do, and I saw you posted a YouTube video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_l2hZ70Dp4&feature=youtu.be) about your walking progress. I'm not going to lie, I felt my heart drop down to my stomach. You looked so different from what I've seen in Instagram posts. You looked so very sick. You of all people know I lost a loved one to cancer because you were there for me on that day. I can still remember how he looked days prior to his passing, and I'm going to be honest with you-- you look like it's almost your time. I would never never tell you that to your face because for once in my life, I want to expect the best for you. I want you to LIVE.
I have this strange feeling like it's almost your time. This might sound selfish, but I need you to fight, so I can see you one more time. I want to be there for you, and I want to make the time to see you, but I just can't call off work. I just started and it won't be a good look if I skipped a day. I promise to visit you once the kids go on winter break next week, or even better, I'll keep my vow of seeing you at your house like I said I'd do! You just have to get better, okay? I have some things to tell you, and it needs to be in person. Please Tiff...please fight a little longer.
12/12/2018
Dear Tiffany,
Thank God you finally replied back! I was in the middle of training for work but I made excuses for being on my phone. You'd hate it, but I told my boss I was talking to someone important, which you are to me. Basically, you told me a lot of your organs were failing and you had just began relearning how to walk again. You even said you thought it was your time to go. My heart shattered a little bit knowing this. I couldn't believe you were suffering this much and I was nowhere in sight. Regarding our current friendship status, I didn't know if you wanted me there or not, and I was too afraid to ask.
I was happy when you told me your health was slowly getting better, and you hoped to get discharged before Christmas. I was rooting for that, so I can finally stop by your house before or on that day. I just wanted to see you again. Before the night ended, I messaged you a really long text on Instagram explaining everything I felt back on Thanksgiving about you. My God, I was so worried and scared you were going to pass without knowing how I truly felt about you. Though we never really apologized nor took each other back, when you replied saying "I can't simply let go of our friendship," I actually shed a tear. All I wanted was for us to be okay again. Maybe this was that big step into rekindling our friendship to get back to how we were before.
I ended the message saying to let me know if you ever needed anything, and vowing to see you the next time you were home. You liked what I said, and I prayed that day could come sooner. I really wanted to see you.
Thank God you finally replied back! I was in the middle of training for work but I made excuses for being on my phone. You'd hate it, but I told my boss I was talking to someone important, which you are to me. Basically, you told me a lot of your organs were failing and you had just began relearning how to walk again. You even said you thought it was your time to go. My heart shattered a little bit knowing this. I couldn't believe you were suffering this much and I was nowhere in sight. Regarding our current friendship status, I didn't know if you wanted me there or not, and I was too afraid to ask.
I was happy when you told me your health was slowly getting better, and you hoped to get discharged before Christmas. I was rooting for that, so I can finally stop by your house before or on that day. I just wanted to see you again. Before the night ended, I messaged you a really long text on Instagram explaining everything I felt back on Thanksgiving about you. My God, I was so worried and scared you were going to pass without knowing how I truly felt about you. Though we never really apologized nor took each other back, when you replied saying "I can't simply let go of our friendship," I actually shed a tear. All I wanted was for us to be okay again. Maybe this was that big step into rekindling our friendship to get back to how we were before.
I ended the message saying to let me know if you ever needed anything, and vowing to see you the next time you were home. You liked what I said, and I prayed that day could come sooner. I really wanted to see you.
11/23/2018
Dear Tiffany,
Today, T posted in our old junior leadership Facebook group messenger wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving. No one I cared about said anything important, but your sister updated us that you were back in the hospital. I had a scary feeling all month that this time it was serious with you. I deleted my Twitter one year ago but I still checked up on you all the time. If you tweeted, it meant you were-- I hate to say this, but...alive.
I know you recently went to the mainland to try and find another treatment for your condition. When you left and came back, that was one of the last times I asked you about your health. So when you didn't tweet for majority of November, I was getting worried about you. I wanted to rush down to the hospital so badly, but I had no idea how to figure out where you were. I didn't even know if I was welcome to stop by either, so I kept my distance. It wasn't until your sister notified us on Facebook when I was finally able to breathe. You were still here on this Earth. You hadn't gone anywhere, and I happily prayed to God for sparing you another day.
Right when I found out what happened with you, I decided to wait a few days because I didn't know if you were awake to check your messages yet. I just started my new job as an A+ leader, but I still wanted to reach out to you just so I can ask if you were okay and what happened. Sometimes I'd wait hours until you replied, but other times I waited a full day or two until you replied back, but I understood it because you were still recovering. Still, I was willing to wait for you no matter how long it was going to take. I just wanted to talk to you to make sure you were okay like I always have.
Today, T posted in our old junior leadership Facebook group messenger wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving. No one I cared about said anything important, but your sister updated us that you were back in the hospital. I had a scary feeling all month that this time it was serious with you. I deleted my Twitter one year ago but I still checked up on you all the time. If you tweeted, it meant you were-- I hate to say this, but...alive.
I know you recently went to the mainland to try and find another treatment for your condition. When you left and came back, that was one of the last times I asked you about your health. So when you didn't tweet for majority of November, I was getting worried about you. I wanted to rush down to the hospital so badly, but I had no idea how to figure out where you were. I didn't even know if I was welcome to stop by either, so I kept my distance. It wasn't until your sister notified us on Facebook when I was finally able to breathe. You were still here on this Earth. You hadn't gone anywhere, and I happily prayed to God for sparing you another day.
Right when I found out what happened with you, I decided to wait a few days because I didn't know if you were awake to check your messages yet. I just started my new job as an A+ leader, but I still wanted to reach out to you just so I can ask if you were okay and what happened. Sometimes I'd wait hours until you replied, but other times I waited a full day or two until you replied back, but I understood it because you were still recovering. Still, I was willing to wait for you no matter how long it was going to take. I just wanted to talk to you to make sure you were okay like I always have.
@tjbas
On December 31, 2018, one of my best friends from high school passed away from a long battle with cancer. She was such a positive light and energy to anyone she came across, and I feel extremely lucky to have known her the way I did. Something happened back in 2015 where I had to completely cut ties with her because of the people she hung around, but we recently began patching up our friendship right until the very end of her life.
Though we had different personalities when we first met, I believe God put us together back then because...well, opposites attract. I was the rowdy, pessimistic, and daredevil one while she was very kept to herself and did a lot to stay out of trouble or get me out of trouble, for that matter. As we grew together, our bond became stronger. It's pretty safe to say that we were almost inseparable because there was never a day we weren't hanging out before, during, or after school.
When she and I grew apart after that incident, knowing her condition, I still did whatever I could to make sure she was okay. I'd message her every now and then just asking about her health because I knew how she was constantly in and out of the hospital. People who know me also know that I'm genuinely not a bad person. I loved and cared for Tiffany so much that I put aside our issue to let her know that I still care, and I was going to be there whenever and wherever she needed me. I continued this vow until our very last talk with one another.
My heart is still broken knowing my friend had so much more to live for. 22 years of life was too short. There were so many things I wish I could see her do with me, and with others. I'm left with all these memories, but no one to share it with. I just hope that wherever she is, she's no longer in pain and she's smiling down on every single one of us. It's going to be a very long time until we're all joined together once again, but until that day comes, I know she'll be waiting on the other side for us.
Though we had different personalities when we first met, I believe God put us together back then because...well, opposites attract. I was the rowdy, pessimistic, and daredevil one while she was very kept to herself and did a lot to stay out of trouble or get me out of trouble, for that matter. As we grew together, our bond became stronger. It's pretty safe to say that we were almost inseparable because there was never a day we weren't hanging out before, during, or after school.
When she and I grew apart after that incident, knowing her condition, I still did whatever I could to make sure she was okay. I'd message her every now and then just asking about her health because I knew how she was constantly in and out of the hospital. People who know me also know that I'm genuinely not a bad person. I loved and cared for Tiffany so much that I put aside our issue to let her know that I still care, and I was going to be there whenever and wherever she needed me. I continued this vow until our very last talk with one another.
My heart is still broken knowing my friend had so much more to live for. 22 years of life was too short. There were so many things I wish I could see her do with me, and with others. I'm left with all these memories, but no one to share it with. I just hope that wherever she is, she's no longer in pain and she's smiling down on every single one of us. It's going to be a very long time until we're all joined together once again, but until that day comes, I know she'll be waiting on the other side for us.
02/09/1996 - 12/31/2018
Rest in love you beautiful angel. 💙
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