03/15/2019

Dear Tiffany,
   Ever since you passed, I've been hurt reading people's tweets about how you visited them in their dreams and I wondered why you hadn't came to see me yet. Was I really not that important to you anymore? I smelt you a couple times at Nestor's house which is something I can't get over. I didn't even get to mark you with the vanilla scent at your funeral and yet that is your exact smell when you come by. I'm grateful that you do come by often, but I wish I actually saw you, so I can talk to you. It's so crazy, but I had super long dream today. I'll try to explain it as best as I can:

   When I woke up, it took me a while to process if that really happened. I didn't even realize you had popped up in my dream, but when it hit me, I was like "Woah wait. Did you really visit me?" I rarely remember dreams these days, so when I do, I like to decipher the meaning of them. The biggest thing I figured out was that you tend to show up in people's dreams while they're crying. I couldn't quite understand why I saw your "ghost" in my dream and why I was the only one who could see you, but I was glad I did. I'm happy I got to see you alive and well even if it was for a few minutes. If I could see you spiritually, I hope that's how you look like roaming around. You were the prettiest then, and you still are now. I miss you. Come visit again soon okay? 

02/09/2019

Dear Tiffany,
   Happy 23rd Birthday, you beautiful angel. It's been years since I've wished you a happy birthday, but I think it's long overdue. The first thing that came to my head this morning was how often we'd joke about our age. You'd always say "Your birthday is so sad. You're so young!" and I'd argue back with "It's a good thing you're older cause it means you'll die first!" It was supposed to be a joke back then, but I can't stop replaying it in my head because of how real it is now. I can't believe I'm going to outlive you this soon in my life. This wasn't supposed to happen. Best friends are NOT supposed to leave each other, Tiff.
   I'm so sad I couldn't make it to your funeral today, but my sister has her speech festival at Aliamanu Middle School and I couldn't miss it! I'm worried that you're buried far into Valley of the Temples, and I'll never be able to find your site. That's why I'm having Shan help me pinpoint where you are. To help me feel like I wasn't missing out on too much, I brought your funeral program along as I walked around the school where you and I first met.
   Wanna know something funny? At the same time the speech festival finished, Shan texted me saying your funeral was done and everyone was heading to Kaneohe now. My family and I were heading home going up the hill towards Tesoro, when I looked to my right and noticed a black truck with a huge "M" sticker from a distance. In my head, I thought "There's no way that's who I think it is." As we got closer, but still behind, within the letter "M," there were more letters "JANF" and I was still in denial. Once we pulled up next to them at a stop light, there was my ex with his mom, and I couldn't help but laugh. Besides yesterday, I hadn't seen him in so long, that I almost forgot how he looked like up close.
   I spent the next few hours watching everyone's Snapchat or Instagram stories paying close attention to the location of your burial site. It looked familiar...like near my grandpa's site. I didn't want to believe it, so when I asked Shan again, she drew me a little map showing where you were-- in the area near the white chapel on the hill. I thought it was too good to be true because this whole time I was sulking in how I'd never be able to find you, and you were little right THERE for the rest of my life.
   While I was at the school earlier today, I began recording a vlog just like you did back in our last day of school and freshmen year as well. I didn't start putting an actual YouTube video together until tonight, and I finished it. I added a song at the end that I think you'd like. I even made a small little tribute to you because of today's special occasion. Funny story, last week, I was playing the JYP Superstar game and one of the daily challenge songs was GOT7's "Take Me To You." The beat sounded nice so I saved it onto my phone. While making this video, I finally looked up the english translation and fell in love with the song even more. The song says that no matter how lost the person feels there's always that one person who they look for hope in as a means to keep them going; hence the title "Take Me To You." Since you liked Mark from GOT7, and since I love this song, I felt it was fitting to use it as a means to pay tribute to you.
   Isn't it ironic how February 9th was the day the world first saw you and now February 9th is the last day the world will see you. I know our last conversation ended on a super great note, but I wish we had more time patch up our friendship. I miss our laughs, our inside jokes, and most importantly I miss you. Until we meet again, my friend. Enjoy this video I made just for you my beautiful angel. I love you always.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uHUwUJLbig

02/08/2019

Dear Tiffany,

   I've been having small anxiety attacks in the days leading up to today because I just want it to be over. I haven't been able to sleep well either because I'm curious about you're going to look like, what I'm going to say, who I'm going to run into, etc. What did we call them? Mental breakdowns? Yeah, that's what's been happening to me lately. I've been heavily relying on Nestor and Cj because they're the only two guys I can truly depend on with my feelings right now, and they've been doing a great job keeping me sane which you and I both know is very hard to do! Before I left the house, I wrote a little note to sneak into your coffin since today was the only day I was going to see before you get buried. I even sprayed it with the Victoria Secret vanilla perfume that you said smells like "death" because it was the only thing that reminded me of you.

   Once I got to the Makai Chapel, I was surprised by your pictures out in the front. I sent in quite a lot of pictures to your sister to use for your posters/slideshow, and I was semi-happy to know she included me in many of them. I didn't expect to be recognized much especially after...you know. I stood outside with my family, Nestor, and Jomarie as we watched the slideshow in which Danika was happy to announce she saw me in there also. Again, something I didn't expect to be in, but was glad I was recognized. While waiting for your sister to finish her eulogy, Jomarie leaned over and asked "So were you and Tiffany close?" A pit in my stomach began forming when I said "Yeah...we were best friends for a really long time." I really couldn't believe it was actually your funeral. I dreaded this day all January because it was so unreal for me. It would probably hit me once I see your body.
   When the service finally ended, there was a very long line to see your body and my mom wanted to wait in that very long line instead of waiting for it to go down. Nestor, Jomarie, and Cj sat in the very back of the chapel while I stood in line. Today was the very first time Nestor met Cj, and I was really happy to see those two connect mainly because aside from JRS, Cj is the only friend I have now. The whole time in line, Nika kept asking me if I was gonna cry, and I kept repeating "No, because I don't show weakness in front of my enemies." I grew more and more nervous the closer I got until I was actually next to you. Everything was white; your casket, your clothes, even the veil. I was doing so good holding in my tears until it was time to walk away and I said "I love you Tiff," where I felt a tear come out of my eyes.
   The first person standing nearest to your coffin was your mom, and even though she may not have remembered me (since I haven't been around since senior year), she gave me the longest and tightest hug. It was then when more tears ran down my face. Next was your sister, and for someone who's been holding it all together, she was doing a great job at doing just that. There were no tears left for her. Last was your dad. He hugged me the tightest, and greeted me with a "Hello Rianna." Though he was trying to hold in his emotions, I could tell how hurt he felt to have bury his daughter. I cried even harder because I could relate. What if my dad had to bury me one day instead of it being the other way around? Tiff, you were really loved especially by your dad. He'd want you to know that.
   I hugged your uncles and walked away to meet Nestor in the back while my family headed straight for the food. My mom, being the supernatural one said you weren't there that night, but I'm sure you were going to show up the next day. Shantelle hugged me when she saw me crying and was the only person to reassure me until I threw myself back together three seconds later. Then we all headed on the opposite side to talk story outside of the chapel. Many old friends ignored me which I kind of expected and Nestor even said my ex was sitting on the opposite side of the room trying not to look at me. I didn't really care though because I was there for you and only you. This was my last goodbye. I love you so much Tiffany. I wish I could see you tomorrow.

02/04/2019

Dear Tiffany,

   Your sister actually texted me today which caught me off guard. She asked if I knew where to get pictures of you when you were drum major. You know me, always willing to help out when asked, I went out of my way to get them for her. I used my connections and I know she got it. It felt good to be needed/wanted again. That moment didn't last long though because when I asked your sister how funeral preparations were going, she didn't reply. Well, it was fun while it lasted though huh?
   There are four more days until that day, and I'm still struggling with my anxiety. I never knew how exhausting this was going to feel, but I'm still pushing through it for you. I can't wait until you're laid to rest. It's going be that huge step to healing, that's for sure. Well, I should wrap this up so I can do the homework I've been putting off for the last couple of weeks. I love you Tiff. See you soon.

02/03/2019

Dear Tiffany,

   I'm currently writing this at 11:00pm, but I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about your funeral on Friday. My God...the amount of people who are going to be there, all in one room, and they all hate me. I don't know how I'm gonna get through it, but I will do whatever it takes for you. I feel so emotional knowing how hard it'll be seeing you in that coffin. I really hate imagining it, but I have to mentally prepare myself somehow. I laugh because you always hated my pessimism too! Well, I hope you're ready to see us all together again soon. I really hate how this is the event that brings us together. Good news is I won't have to see these people ever again after this. I can finally rid myself of all the negativity they carry with them, and it's sad that I once saw you as one of them as well, but I really do forgive you now. I just wish they accepted me back then...

01/31/2019

Dear Tiffany,

   It's been one whole month without you and I have never felt so alone. I still have so many emotions kept inside me because I'm not close with anyone anymore. I tried reaching out to Jecie and even Vivian, but I always get zero responses. I even tried seeing your family today, but that plan fell through. I'm so sad because everyone I thought were my friends are no longer in my life. You were the only person I wanted to keep in touch with, but you're not here anymore. I really haven't been myself all January, and with your funeral right around the corner, I can't help but feel anxious and have mental breakdowns because I'm not ready to see everyone again. These people made my life so miserable, and you knew that better than anyone else because you read my blogs. How am I supposed to put on a brave face knowing I don't have you anymore? How Tiff?

01/24/2019

Dear Tiffany,

   Today your sister posted a link to your obituary and for some strange reason, it still didn't feel real. For a quick second, I thought and hoped it wasn't a real link, but when I looked it up, there you were. There was a small slideshow with three of your pictures with your name at the bottom in big, bold letters. "February 9, 1996 - December 31, 2018." I still couldn't believe it honestly. Such a beautiful person, who was loved by literally every single living thing, gone so soon.
   You were only 22 years old, and who ever thought I was actually going to beat you. Remember when you used to tease me about my birth date and yell out "I'm older!" and I would yell back, "Yeah, you're older which means you'll die first!" I didn't really think that would be so real and you'd be gone this soon. You've lived as 22 for ten months, and I know I just turned that age, but I'm going to spend the next ten months of my year doing things you couldn't. Just to keep some part of you alive. I promise.